Screenwriting Quickie #1: Getting Industry Reads

A loyal reader writes:

Dear Single Screenchick lady,

i'v sent my skript to hundereds uf production companys and never here back from any of dem. i think that they get lost in the slush pile, but all this re-jection is is almost enuff ta make me quit after riting just one skript. How can i make my skript stand out and actually get a reed or too in dis town?

Sined: hopelessly devoted

Dear Hopeless,

Don't give up just yet. There are many tricks to getting your script fished out of the slush pile by eager producers dying to reel in the next big one. Try one or all of these tricks, and show them that you're worth remembering.

1) Dazzle

Forget fancy plastic covers. (Who wants to look like all of the other desperate writers?!) All you have to do to make your script stand out is play with fonts. Why use the industry standard courier like everybody else where there are so many cool ones to choose from!

(I personally recommend using Gilligan's Island. It makes a bold statement, and it's fun!)

2) Mislead

Producers place high value on their time. Can you blame them? There are only so many hours in the day, and their back wax takes priority over an unknown writer's script.

This simply means that you have to deceive them into thinking that your script won't leech too much time from their precious day. Play with the margins and fiddle with the text size. A 120 page script can be reduced to a mere 30 pages with very little effort. And isn't that a lot more appealing?

3) Grease Some Palms

Twenties slipped between script pages is a tried and true tactic. (And bonus: It helps fund post-secondary education for children of L.A. postal workers!)

Most producers are now set up with Paypal, so if the above makes you nervous, just deposit it directly into their account. Unsure what email address they use? Just send it to me and I'd be happy to forward it onto the correct party. I promise.

4) Go Big

A giant billboard campaign or a full page ad in Variety are subtle ways of saying, "Hey, look at me!"

5) Hit them where it counts

Strip-o-gram messages do the same as above, but with a happy and without the subtlety.

6) Stalking

Target specific producers and follow them 24/7 until they agree to look at your damn script. (This one is very effective, but can get a bit pricey when you factor in the bail money and legal bills.)

And finally, if all of the above fails, you can always try a last resort:

Write an exceptional script.

Nah. I'm just kidding. That last one is too much work. Stick to the others.

And while you're at it, convert your script into Wingdings and read it straight through looking for hidden messages from the script fairy. Don't see it? Keep reading. It's there! She'll tell you what to do.

Great picture by prettywar-stl