Hollywood Needs Your Help

Valentine's Day is just around the corner. Have you done your part to support it?

I see you rolling your eyes at the monitor. You don't believe in the commercialism of love. It's just an excuse dreamed up by guys hoping to get laid greeting card companies to force people into feeling obligated to buy chocolates and cards and flowers.

Well of course it is! And that is exactly why you NEED to support it.

What other holiday has the power to single-handedly crush the self-worth out of every man and woman on the planet in one chocolate-covered blow? What else instills an unwavering belief that one is pathetic and unloved, and says it with flowers? The perfect family Thanksgiving myth doesn't hold a candle to what the big V Day does to self-esteem.

And what does all this pathetic desperation do? It drives the loveless and needy hordes directly to the movie theaters where they get their fix of the perfect fantasy romance in hopes of warding off the shakes for yet another day.

It doesn't matter that the perfect fantasy romance is a myth that no human will ever achieve - The fact that no one can attain such romantic perfection is actually the whole point. They go back out into the world and its harsh, loveless reality, and they can't deal. This sends them back to the theater for more, and more, and more... perpetuating the myth of romantic love over and over and over, and denying them any chance of ever sustaining a healthy relationship based on reality.

And this puts money in our pockets.

Yes, Valentine's Day is a beautiful thing.

You need to support it, if only to perpetuate the myth. Send valentines to everyone! You mom, your proctologist, your stalker. Make sure everyone on the planet feels like total crap so we can keep doing what we do.

What's that you say? You don't need to support the myth because you don't write romances? Reality check - you've heard of a little thing called a subplot, haven't you? It's all the rage with the cool screenwriters right now - everyone is doing it. And you should too. You know why?

Sometimes subplots contain romance - be it in a horror, action, or an all male prison flick. Or sometimes they just have a scene or two in a peeler bar. This perpetuates the myth just as effectively. It gives males a healthy dose of unachievable expectations, and adds a few body image issues to the already desperate women viewers. This accomplishes pretty much the same level of desperation romance does, and keeps 'em coming back to the theater for more.

Desperation is what feeds the industry. It touches us all, and its collapse would be catastrophic.

Can you imagine the chaos if people wised up to the romantic love myth? Hollywood would be a ghost town and Tom Hanks would be squeegeeing windshields down the road from where Meg Ryan turns tricks.

We can't let that happen. Hollywood needs your support. Together we can prevent this terrible tragedy. Send a valentine today and support the film industry.

Don't make excuses. This is too important. If you have no one on the planet you could possibly send a valentine to, then send one to me. In fact, send ten! Or express your undying lust love for me in a very public comment. Who cares if it's not true! Some poor schmuck is bound to see it and believe it and feel like absolute crap about their very existence. And that is exactly what we are supposed to do.

Don't let Hollywood go under. Do your part. Send a valentine today.