Fake Orgasms and Other Writing Tricks

Like most screenwriters, you were probably drawn to the craft by the allure hot sex. It's true. Few careers other than snake milker or IMAX screen cleaner have such staggering amounts of willing hot ass thrust on them on such a regular basis. I know that's the action I signed up for.

But after a while, all the hot and heavy sex action gets old, and is no longer enough to fuel the creative fire of even the most heavily sex addicted writers. Yes, after the thrill wears off, and the lure of the sexual carrot wanes, you're stuck having to find deeper motivation to keep on writing.

But what?

What force is strong enough to yank you out of bed every morning noontime and get you to that keyboard, if not the promise of sex? What could possibly be stronger than the almighty orgasm?

The answer may surprise you.

See, writing is like a long-term stay in hell relationship. It starts out hot and heavy, but soon, you'd rather just roll over and get some sleep. Or at least do your taxes. But no, that doesn't work for your muse. Your muse has needs, and wants them met. Now. (Muses are the clingy needy pain in the ass type.) And if you don't put out on cue, your muse will storm out and stay with her mother for weeks, leaving you high and dry and horny (otherwise known as writer's block).

This is bad. No writer wants this. The writer's equivalent of blue balls isn't pretty. Just ask any clerk at Stapes what they have witnessed done to merchandise by desperate writers trying to get their fix. *shiver*

So what's the solution?

Well, like any long-term relationship, sometimes you have to give in, lay back (or bend over depending on your muse's tastes), stare at the ceiling and take one for your god and country. In other words, fake it.

And this gives you motivation how?!

Well, it doesn't. But it does mean that you're constantly pumping out pages in order to satisfy the bitch your muse, even if your heart isn't in them. And like any long-term relationship, you'll eventually look back and say, "Hey, it wasn't as bad as I thought. Actually, there's a lot of damn good stuff I didn't see." And suddenly, you remember that you're not just in it for the sex. It's love, damn it. And next thing you know, you fall back in love all over again and things get hot and heavy. The passion is back.

If you can't fake it during the bad times, you're not a writer. You're just the literary equivalent of a drunk slut who may give good head pitches, but is forgotten almost immediately. No one wants drunk slut pages. There's no depth to their lust. It ain't love, baby.

So when you have less than zero motivation to put out, when the stirring of your creative loins just ain't there, know that there is an end to your suffering.

Love will see you through.

But in the mean time - fake it.

Funky pic by h.koppdelaney