Dr. Seuss Does Die Hard

John McClane, he just wanted 
To get back his life
Tuck his kids in at night
Get it on with his wife.
See, he messed up real bad
She moved out to the coast
Got a great paying gig
Yes, their marriage was toast.

So he hatched up a plan
This husband was scheming
He would jump on a plane
And greet her with some pleading.

For it was Christmas Eve
With its sleigh-bell-y mood,
And he hoped she would cave
And then they'd get nude.

But Fate was not smiling

On John that fine night
See, Fate had intentions
To screw him just right.
With some might

                       At great height

                                          Fate will screw him just right.

John will fight

                     What a sight

                                       On that dark Christmas night.

Nakatomi's the place
This shit's goin' down
Fate's right hand, Hans Gruber,
And his gang, are in town

And they're bad, very bad, of the utmost bad kind

They are bad 




(Missed 'bad'?  Please rewind.)

They show up with guns
While John's in the can
Just splaying his toes
(He's got kinks, he's a man!)

Gruber takes all the people

John's wife in the mix
Then roughs up her boss
With a bullet or six.

And he's nixed, oh so nixed,

He is nixed 





See, Gruber has a plan

It's an evil ass plan

A devilish


                       Nasty ass plan!

A plan so damn nasty 

It makes Satan blush
So come along for the ride
It will be quite a rush.
They pretend to be terrorists
While stealing some bonds
But John's onto them
He's cool like The Fonz

Except his bald head

And his sidekick Argyle
And his trusty wife beater
Dude's dripping with style.

John takes out a man

And makes off with his gun,
Tells the cops, "Come a running!"
And the cops they do run.

And they run and they run

But there's nobody there!
Nakatomi's undisturbed
Not even one hair!

So they stare and they glare 

And get ready to go
And Gruber's thugs are a-hunting 
McClane, don't you know!

And John's in a pickle

He's royally fucked
So he grabs the dead body
And makes his own luck.

From high up above

That corpse, she did fly
SMACK onto a squad car
As John waved bu-bye
McClane offs two guys
And scores some C-4
Then blows up two more
For a total of four.

Then a sleazeball named Ellis

Who wants to get laid
Tries to score points with Gruber
And comes to his aid.

Asks McClane for some bomb stuff

He took from the thugs
McClane says, 'HELL NO!'


                        Sleazeball brains on the rug.

Then Gruber did climb
To the top of the tower
To gloat on his work
And to revel in power

But McClane catches up
A showdown is near
So take a break here
If you need to get beer.

We are sure John McClane 
Will eat Gruber for lunch
But along come the thugs
And McClane, he can't munch!


           and KAPOW!...

                          and all sorts of KAs


                and KABLAMS!

                                    And KAWAMS!...

                                                           and KAWHOOSHES!

And gigantically 




McClane he does flee

While the fleeing is good
He escapes with his balls
And some scratches - S'all good.

But the dipshit, McClane 

Left the bomb stuff behind
So Gruber's all set
Minus thugs, he don't mind.
Now the Bureau, all puffy
Arrives on the scene
And shuts off the power
Making Gruber the Queen!

See, Gruber is evil

The evilest evil

The nastiest


                       phlegmy snot-ball of evil!

And the lights, when they're off

Give him access aplenty
To the vaults and the bear bonds
Worth a billion or twenty!

To the feds, Gruber says
"Send a bird to the roof"
Then they gather the folks
And they make 'em all hoof.

A rooftop explosion 

Is part of the plan
Make it look like they're dead
And escape while they can.

And to top it all off

Like a cherry on cake
And to add to the mayhem
That is left in their wake

Gruber now knows a thing

A magical thing

A wonderful


                        Fantastical thing!

He knows that one she-folk

Is John McClane's wife
So he grabs onto her
And he threatens her life.
John gets to the rooftop
The people are saved!
But his lady ain't there
She is with the depraved.

And the only way John

Will ever get laid
Is to take Gruber down
With some action well played.

The final fanatical 

Showdown is here
But before this scene ends
Gruber bends McClane's ear.

He says with an accent
Both sexy and thick
The following words
(Oh yeah, what a dick!)

"I do not like you, John McClane,
I do not like you,
You're a pain.

I will not like you on the run,

Or with a gun,
Or having fun.

I do not like you John McClane,

I'll kill your wife,
Cause I'm INSANE!"

And what happened then?

At Nakatomi they say
John McClane's balls
Grew three sizes that day.

He laid down machine guns

And held his hands high
Then whipped out a pistol
Because Gruber must die!

POW! to the shoulder

Out the window he flew
Grabbing onto McClane's gal
Cause he is a big poo.

But McClane, balls aplenty

Takes none of this crap
Rips Gruber right off 

And he falls



Yes, McClane got it on with his wife

Late that night
And to all a good night.

Many thanks to Norman LeBlanc for the AWESOME illustration!

Note: This post was originally uploaded In mid-December for the holidays, but was removed out of respect for the victims of the Newton shooting.

1 comment:

  1. You're twisted and you know it…Liane Langford…love it!

    please vist my rantings @ www.awalkinthedarkbylianelangford.blogspot.com